The Gratitude Blueprint: Building a Life of Appreciation

This Thanksgiving weekend, like many of us, I spent a lot of time thinking about all the things in my life that I am grateful for. I have so many things that I am so grateful for in my life and I do try to make a concerted effort to remind myself daily, however I am not always successful.

I certainly have my “why me?” days when I am focusing more on what I don’t have than what I do. I thought it might be helpful to just talk a little more about the research behind gratitude, why it is a key component of feeling happy and content in life, and a few steps to start practicing.

Let’s start by defining gratitude.Gratitude is the general attitude of being thankful, appreciative and grateful. It is a conscious decision to focus attention on the positive aspects of a situation.When we are appreciative and notice all of the positive things that surround us every day, we can give thanks either outwardly to others, or privately in our minds. It is a mindset that celebrates all of the wonderful, special, and unique gifts that life has to offer every day, no matter how simple.

Notice this emphasis onconscious decision. Gratitude is a choice. To practice gratitude we first need to choose that this is a mindset that is worth having. And gratitude can be especially difficult when the world pressures us to pay attention to things that are hurtful, dangerous or missing in our lives. With our current climate being so focused on the experience of outrage and “can you believe that?” type of information, it can be particularly challenging to maintain a mindset of gratitude and appreciation. But cultivating a mindset of gratitude can be accomplished, with the right intentions and support.

What does the science say about gratitude? Over the last few decades there have been numerous studies that have shown the positive effects of practicing gratitude on our emotional, social and physical health.

Emotionally, studies have shown that theregular practice of gratitude can improve mood, and reduce the severity of symptoms of depression, anxiety and irritability.Regular practitioners of gratitude are likely to feel happier and more peaceful.Socially people who practice gratitude are more likely to do kinder things for others. Studies also show that people who practice gratitude regularly may have stronger social relationships. Couples who regularly express gratitude to each other feel their partners are more responsive to their needs and are overall more satisfied with their relationship. This also extends to the workplace as well.When gratitude is expressed at work, employees improve their felt sense of self-worth and confidence, leading to an increase in trust between colleagues and more initiative to help one another out.

Gratitude not only helps us emotionally and socially but it even helps us Physically. Studies have shown that people who practice gratitude regularly have a host of positive physical effects such asimproved sleep, stronger immune systems, more consistent exercise habits, fewer physical symptoms and better progress toward achieving their personal physical goals.

That is so amazing when you think about it, how many positive things can come to your life by your own conscious choosing. You are choosing to focus on the positive sides of a situation instead of the negative. This takes mindful awareness. We have to be aware of where our mind is focusing and then enhance or extend it, if it is already positive, or change it, if it is negative. What’s interesting is that a cyclical effect starts happening: the act of being grateful creates this sort of chain reaction. The more positive things you notice and give thanks for, the better you feel, and the more positive experiences you have in your life, leads you to notice more positive things to give thanks for, to feel better about, etc.

So how do you do it? How do you get yourself to focus on the more positive aspects of a situation than the negative?

Step one is to set your intention.Make it very clear to yourself that this is a goal that you have to work on. Recognize changing your thoughts isn’t quick or easy, it takes time and practice. But just like all new behaviors, anyone can learn how.

Once you have set your intention to be more grateful in your life, you first have to notice or become more aware of when you are feeling ungrateful, or focusing on the negative. We will be using our mindfulness skills in order to do that.

Certain emotions can be like red flags that you might not be practicing gratitude. The first is envy. Envy is the feeling we get when we see that someone has something that we want. Aristotle defined envy as pain at the sight of another's good fortune, stirred by "those who have what we ought to have". Rather than feeling happy for that other person, we have this more negative or painful emotion that has elements of “it’s not fair” or “I should have that too” or “why are they so lucky and I’m not”. Envy is a very big red flag that we are most likely not being grateful in this moment.

If you notice that you are feeling envious, see if you can turn your mind to practice more loving thoughts towards the person and yourself. Examples might be, “good for them that they have this, I hope that this brings them joy. I may not have that thing in particular, but I do have this. “ and then make a mental list of things you have that maybe are similar or give you joy. We don’t necessarily want to try to think of all the things we have that the other person doesn’t, that is just going from a one down to a one up position, it is still judging, and remember, the more we judge the unhappier we will be. See if you can just turn your mind to things in your life you feel lucky to have.

Another emotion is sadness. Although we all know what sadness feels like, it can be helpful to really better understand the feeling. Sadness comes when we believe we have lost something important to us. We feel sad when people die or get sick, we feel sad when our kids go away to college or a close friend moves away. All of these things are losses. When we feel sad, it’s ok to feel sad, its a normal and healthy emotion.

In our quest for feeling more grateful in our lives, I do not mean to say that we shouldn’t feel negative emotions. I just mean to say thatwe can give ourselves the space to feel what we feel and then when we are ready to feel something different, we can change our thinking. To move away from feeling sad and towards feeling more grateful, we can try to think about the things we will gain. Our friend is moving away, but now we can look forward to visiting them in a new city and hearing all about their new adventures. We can feel sad when someone we loves dies, and often what we do is turn to our spirituality to give us comfort, thinking how they are at peace or how much this person gave to the world.

Once we start to get better at identifying when we are being ungrateful, another thing we can do is to just routinely practice more gratitude in general.

I recommend to my patients that they consider starting agratitude journal.Every night before you go to bed, write down all the things that occurred to you that day that you feel grateful for. If you want a quicker exercise, you can write down the one thing that happened that day that you are most grateful for. There are even apps and online tools that encourage you to practice gratitude each day that you can then look back on to remind you of things you have written in the past.

The key here is to get creative and specific. Don't just write in, "I’m grateful for my family" every night. What specifically are you grateful for? For example, my kids came home to celebrate thanksgiving with us. Our tradition is that we say what we are most thankful for before we begin our meal. I shared that I am grateful that my kids are now at the age where they can be anywhere they want for Thanksgiving and they still chose to come home to be with me and their dad. It may not always be that way, but in this moment, I am grateful that this is what they chose. When thinking about what you feel grateful for, try to get as specific as you can.

Remember that gratitude can be over very small innocuous things, it does not have to be huge earth shattering stuff. We can be grateful for the smell of the coffee, for the music we listen to as we drive to work, the friend who sent us the funny meme, the thoughtful colleague at work who was checking in on you. Every day, I promise you there are hundreds of little things to feel grateful for if we just take a moment to reflect.

The more you practice this, over time you might notice that you are experiencing more moments of peace and joy and contentment. You might feel just a little more empowered to manage a stressful or difficult situation. And you might feel a little more connected socially as well.