UNDERSTANDING INVALIDATION
What does invalidation really mean? To invalidate someone is to say to them that they should not think or feel the way that they do or even, that they aren’t actually thinking or feeling the way that think they are feeling. If I say "I’m tired" and someone says, "You aren’t tired you are just bored", that is an invalidating statement. Or if I tell someone I am anxious and they tell me that I shouldn’t be feeling anxious, that’s another form of invalidation. What we don’t realize is that invalidation can come in many different forms. It can be very obvious but can also be very subtle.
To validate someone is to say I see you, I hear you, I understand your perspective. Validation can look like “of course you feel that way” or “I would totally feel that way too if I were you.” Validation is really an expression of empathy. When we are empathic with someone, we are allowing ourselves to feel what the other person is feeling.
Validation communicates to someone that we can understand or relate to their experience in some way. Invalidation says I don’t understand, i don’t get it, you should think or feel about this a different way.
Even though it is with the best of intentions, often times our spouses or friends are invalidating when they are offering solutions to a problem and you are not really looking for a solution. Have you ever had that in your life, where you share something with someone that is really painful or difficult or frustrating, and that person immediately goes into problem solving mode of “did you try this” or “why don’t you do this instead?’ Again, the person has the best of intentions, they want to be helpful and they don’t like seeing you in pain, but it can also feel invalidating to you if you are not really not looking for solutions to the problem in that moment. This is really a form of more subtle invalidation.
As a therapist, one of the red flags that I look out for that shows that I am not being validating enough is the “yes but” response. When I get a patient who continuously rejects a strategy or a skill with a yes but, that tells me the person doesn’t feel heard or validated enough and I need to pivot and just sit longer with their feelings and show them I get it. Most of the time, people need to feel heard and validated BEFORE we can go into action and change. Once we feel heard and seen and understood, we are much more open to the possibility of change, but generally not before that.
One of the things that is important to remember about validation is that validation does not necessarily mean agreement with. We can validate someone for how they are thinking or feeling, even if we don’t agree with their beliefs.
For example, I have two grown children, ages 19 and 21. My son has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum and he went to college for a little bit but like many college students with ADHD, he really struggled to pay attention, to get motivated to go to class. He would share with me how he was feeling really bad about himself and that he felt like he was disappointing me and his dad. I can validate his feelings by saying things like "This sounds really difficult and frustrating" and how it sounds like he had gotten himself into a loop where the more he avoided class, the harder it was to get himself to go. Showing that I can understand how he feels and that he has a right to feel that way is validating.
The reality was, His dad and I were not disappointed with him at all, we were really proud of him actually for trying college and living on his own, this was a huge step for him. I could validate him without agreeing with his perspective. If I only focused on how he was looking at his situation all wrong, it would have been a lot harder for him to see that I understood him.
It’s important to keep that in mind that validation does not mean agreement, it just means, I see you.
One of the things that can happen is that expressing and communicating empathy can be a very hard skill to learn if you were never taught it. If you grew up in a home where thoughts and feelings were not openly and safely discussed, then this is not going to come naturally to you. Think about the messages you received in your early years. If you were frequently told you shouldn’t think or feel a certain way, or if it was just clear that thoughts and feelings are things we don’t talk about, that is invalidating.
The most severe form of invalidation is abuse. To abuse a child is to say to them literally or just figuratively, your feelings don’t matter to me. My anger, my needs supersede yours, the child’s, in this moment. Children who have been abused grow up to be adults who struggle with feeling they are important and worthy just as they are.
If we didn’t have role models for empathy and validation, if we were chronically invalidated, then we do not learn how to validate ourselves. We are prone to having those voices from our childhood inside our own heads saying “I shouldn't feel this way or it’s wrong for me to think this way”. Learning how to validate yourself and change those messages can be very difficult but it absolutely is possible. What we are working towards is saying to ourselves, “Its ok that I feel this way.”, I have a right to feel any way that I feel. There is no wrong way to feel in a situation.
A few notes about emotions to consider. There really are no such thing as “bad feelings." All feelings, regardless of what they are, are there for a reason and we can validate ourselves by telling ourselves we have a right to feel this way. We also in many ways can’t control how we feel, at least at first. Our feelings will arise as a result of the situation and the thoughts we have about it. Our feelings are a natural, healthy response and are part of being human, even the darker ones like anger or envy or sadness or shame.
But to be clear, validating our feelings is not the same thing as making excuses for our behaviors. I have a right to feel angry, but I don‘t have a right to hit someone who upset me. What I do or say when I have feelingsiscompletely in my control. And the more we learn mindfulness skills, the more in control we are of our actions.
Learning how to change our inner self-invalidation is a process. I’ve worked with patients for years and they still struggle to validate themselves. I personally have been in therapy for years myself, I'm still in therapy today, and I teach these skills--but that does not mean that I don’t self-invalidate anymore. I have just gotten quicker at identifying when I’m doing it and what I need to do to turn it around in my own mind.
What can you do today to start making those shifts? It starts with mindfulness. The sooner you can identify when you are invalidating yourself, the sooner you can turn that script around.
When you are upset or feeling a painful feeling, see if you can notice the thoughts that you are having about the situation, and notice if any of them are invalidating thoughts. If so, try to intentionally speak to yourself in more validating, compassionate ways. Self-validation looks like “Of course this is hard for me, It’s ok that I feel this way, it’s normal to feel this way given the circumstances. I give myself permission to feel everything I feel about it, before I try to change it.”
Notice when others say validating things to you. Notice that feeling of “being seen” and how good that feels. Notice your own "yes buts", and if maybe you are being invalidated by someone. See if you can ask them to just listen rather than offering you solutions.
The more aware you are, the easier this will become over time and you might find that your emotions don’t last as long or don’t feel as intense. In time you might even feel more in control of your emotions and kinder to yourself and others.
